I spent my whole day at the hospital. I arrived at 8:30 am and the whirlwind of apointments, checkups, radios, ingestion of contrasting liquids, blood tests, etc. started again.
With the same questions asked over and over again each time you meet a new nurse or MD. “First and last name?”. “Birthdate?”. “What medications are you on?”. “Any allergies to medication?”. “Any metal in the body?”, etc.
I felt tired and fed-up of having to go through all of this again.
And yet, I was curious about what was happening in my brain. I wasn’t tired and fed-up because of what I was going through. I felt tired and fed-up because my brain was holding on to the thought: “I am fed-up of having to go through all of this again”. I observed my brain grasping onto that thought. Justifying it and giving me all the good reasons why that thought was “true” when I dared to question it. It was a fascinating exercise to watch my own brain.
In the end, I let my brain think that thought if it wanted to. It didn’t feel good. I felt tired and fed-up. But I knew it had nothing to do with the hospital, nor the nurses, nor the doctors, nor the tests. I didn’t feel compelled to react to my feelings and try to change my external environment. I just let my brain do its thing and allowed myself to feel my feelings.
Sometimes, I will feel tired and fed-up, and that’s ok. Sometimes my brain will think “negative” thoughts, meaning thoughts that don’t feel good, and that’s ok. All I have to do is show love and compassion for myself during that moment. And by allowing without reacting, I release the tension. And sooner than one can imagine, my brain moves on and lets go of the thought that felt so uncomfortable.
With love,
Laurent